September 20 2009 by Eddie.

Life is an amazing rollercoaster of activity, adventures, drama and personal challenges. Just when I start getting a clue about who I am and what I really want out of life, things that were thought to be simple processes become all too complicated. I can set all the goals I want but there is no point in setting them too far in advance because I don’t know what plans God has for me. He can decide tomorrow that my life needs some new challenges and all the planning I’ve invested into my future is out the window. So I know undoubtedly that I’m saving myself extreme grief and frustration by not investing myself emotionally into ‘my’ plans and accepting that God has the right plan for me and I’ll learn of it when he decides the time is right.

So let me tell you where that leaves me with dating. I do want to be married some day, but I’m all too aware of what kind of man I want to make that journey with - starting with his leadership abilities. I don’t pursue anymore. That never got me the kind of relationships that I wanted long term, so I learned to quit repeating my actions and expecting different results. If I want a man that knows he wants me, I need to stand back and let him (whoever he is) take the time to figure that out and then make his investment. Anything I do to short-change that effort is only going to leave me short-changed in my relationship.

I don’t recall every actually enjoying dating. Fun isn’t something that comes naturally too me. I can have fun - but its usually with people I have a solid history with already. So, I want to somehow miraculously skip the work of getting to know someone new and get straight to the being comfortable stage so I can enjoy having a playmate. But I know from experience and common-sense that I can’t build a healthy relationship like that so when faced with a new relationship/friendship opportunity, I’m in a constant struggle of mind over emotions, ensuring that I keep tabs on my tendency to take charge so a friendship can build over a natural period of time. Sound like alot of work? It is! To stay on the right path and not get snippety and impertinent I have no choice but to stay in close relationship with God over this. He knows what His plans are for me and those don’t get clouded by his ‘good intentions’ for my life. He just expects me to listen and follow Him. He keeps it simple and if I follow His lead, I don’t get pulled into this feminist idea that I need to go make a marriage happen for myself.

But let me add layer of complication. I just turned 40 this year. I can’t believe that number is actually my age - but alas that many years have truly passed in my life. And unfortunately many people think I’ve wasted my years and should have just married ’someone’ along the way. I disagree since I believe that God has a perfect plan for all of us and that as hard as being 40 and single can be, the reward will be worth the venture. But harder than being odd-man out at every social gathering and holiday or not having someone who will notice when my flight didn’t make it to where it was suppose to be is dealing with all the well-wishers who don’t know how to interact with single people. I can’t share their couple-moments, I don’t have children to offer in appeasement of this particular ’short coming’, I don’t have an ex to complain about and I don’t enjoy sharing the few details of every foiled or failed interaction with yet another ‘admirer-at-a-distance.” Any possible fun or excitement that might occur at the beginning of any new prospect quickly dissipates when I have to assure all my life champions that I don’t yet have a wedding date set. I can’t afford to let myself enjoy the moment because somehow once I share the information, the focus seems to be more about all the possibilities than whether this is the guy who will do what it takes to win my heart so I can participate in a happy marriage. I don’t want to get overly invested and then be disappointed. But the number of conversations to relay that to all who need to be in the know has just the opposite effect. I either end up being disappointed because the conversations lead me to make too much out of nothing or I put of walls and can’t let the friendship proceed naturally because the endless discussions over ‘nothing’ are too much to wade through.

So I actually have begun to think privacy is best. Unfortunately, keeping secrets is not one of my strong suits. But once again, I find myself repeating my past ‘mistakes’ and how can I then expect different results without a change? The only way I can think of to avoid the tangled mess is less communication on my part. So although I’ve already been praying about it, I guess its time to investigate and actually learn something about the art of keeping things to myself. The ‘personal growth’ never comes to an end does it?

Posted in life, my walk | No Comments »

February 5 2009 by Eddie.

its real - and it explains my medical maladies for the last 18 years. What do I do with that information? I’ve known of the possibility since I started using the VA for my medical services years ago when I got out of the Navy, but its fitting real strange in my brain now…..

All the years of migraine headaches, the chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia diagnoses, chronic pain, respiratory problems, allergies, skin rashes, memory issue and even my ulcer (which qualifies as a digestive problem) can easily point back to one of the drugs I took to protect myself in the event of nerve gas exposure while I was in Jebel Ali. Don’t get me wrong, I took the drug knowing it wasn’t FDA approved but that it was the only real possibility of surviving a biological attack. I don’t regret my choice, nor do I blame anyone else for it…..

However, its a strange transition to go from just accepting all the malady of the last 2 decades as something hereditary or poor development during childhood to something that I did to myself. I know why I did it and would probably do it again if I were in the same circumstances. I guess at some point my patriotism will wash away any residual ‘weirdness’ and I’ll accept this version of the truth over my other one, but for now I’m lost in the muck of wondering what I’d be like if I’d missed the doses that day. There never was a biological hit on us so there ended up being nothing of that sort to survive…..

The biggest weird piece of all is that years ago, it was suggested to me that this idea of Gulf War Syndrome could also cause birth defects - similar to those discovered so many years after Vietnam with Agent Orange. I always kept that in the back of my mind and left it simmer when I even considered having kids. It was never a tough battle to give up the idea since I’ve always wanted to adopt. But, I know that I lept some distance from that whole idea because of this particular “what if.”….

The study as of yet is not conclusive regarding birth defects but there is enough evidence to raise the probability and continue the research. (Sounds like the same story I was given 15 years ago regarding Gulf War Syndrome.)….

I’ve almost totally given up the idea of childbearing because of my age and interests at this point in my life (the remaining window is left open to the possibility that God has other ideas.) But now that I see how invasive the drug was to my immune system, it does convince me that birth defects wouldn’t have been such a stretch and for this one thing I’m relieved. Its not about the notion of having a handicapped child. Its living with the idea that I caused the deformities, etc. I’m struggling enough with knowing what kind of stress/strain I’ve caused myself thus far since the war - I can’t imagine discovering I’d done unimaginable to someone else - especially one(s) who depended on me for life and sustenance…..

For those who are reading this and love me - don’t worry I’m not depressed or melancholy. I’m just wandering through some weird trees in the forest and trying to soak in their aroma to truly understand them so I can leave this particular forest behind. It is what it is and it’s “my life”

Posted in life | No Comments »

January 15 2009 by Eddie.

by: Ruth Baird Shaw

Someday, somehow, somewhere in time ….

She’s waiting, I will see ….

An old woman, time is making ….

Time is making, out of me! ….

Will she be a sad complainer ….

A fretful tenant of the earth? ….

Or a kind, productive person ….

Filled with happiness and mirth? ….

Please be patient, God is making ….

Molding slowly, out of me ….

A shining portrait, He has promised. ….

Just you wait and see. ….

He is smoothing out the roughness ….

Polishing the dreary places ….

Filling life with joy and gladness ….

Pouring out His gifts and graces. ….

God remake me, in Your image. ….

I want to like her, when I see ….

That old woman, time is making. ….

Time is making, out of me.

Posted in life, my walk | No Comments »

February 20 2008 by Eddie.

So this debate is endless and in my personal arena, I’m always arguing my side of this alone.  I don’t believe that basic file sharing is stealing - if I’m not making a profit of any sort off of it.

However, its not a debate for sissies as I am constantly reading about it on TechDirt.  These are people who can actually speak to the subject from a legal perspective or from a (way more than me) technical perspective.   As this article states at the top - its more than just semantics.

http://techdirt.com/articles/20080219/014250290.shtml

I’ve never been a fan of assuming there are limits and staying beneath that umbrella.  As technology progresses the old laws don’t apply anymore.  I personally would consider it boring to not stretch my limbs and gray matter to find out where the limits actually exist.  So I thrive on reading these conversations and discovering that I’m not the only one flailing for some definitions and real information that isn’t just being thrown at the debate to make it go away.

For anyone interested, here is another of my favorite articles that speaks to the matter as well:

http://www.harpers.org/archive/2007/02/0081387

Posted in geekdom | No Comments »

January 26 2008 by Eddie.

Deut. 2:31  We easily grow impatient of God’s delays.  Much of our trouble in life comes out of our reckless, restless haste.  We cannot wait for the fruit to ripen, but insist on plucking it while it is green.  We cannot wait for the answers to our prayers, although the things we ask for may require long years in their preparation for us.

We fail many times to receive the blessing He has ready for us, because we do not go forward with Him.  While we miss much good through not waiting for God, we also miss much through over-waiting.  There are times when we are to go forward with a firm step.

There are many divine promises which are conditioned upon the beginning of some action on our part.  When we begin to obey, God will begin to bless us.  The ten lepers were told to show themselves to the priest,and “as they went, they were cleansed.”  If they had waited to see the cleansing come before they would start, they would never have seen it.  God was waiting to cleanse them; and the moment their faith began to work, the blessing came.

Posted in my walk | No Comments »

December 2 2007 by Eddie.

I found an article that clearly says what I’ve been trying to say for years.  I’m going to plagiarize and edit parts to make it wholly mine.

This year I’m not just thanking God for all my blessings, but for all the things I haven’t had:

I’m grateful for the full refrigerator we never had in my childhood, grateful for the meals we missed the last few days before payday. These memories make it easy to be generous with what I have now.

I’m grateful for the nice house, the perfect family, the right clothes I never had. No matter where I live or what I wear now, there’s almost no one I couldn’t consider a friend.

I’m grateful for the stability I never had. Alcohol, abuse, foster homes, frequent moves and family separations were hard on me as a little girl, but blessed me with resiliency and endurance. They also make me appreciate the extended family I have and the roots I’ve put down now. 

The father I didn’t have gives me the special privilege of having only one Father – the one scripture calls “the father to the fatherless.” With no earthly model to shape my perception of God, the providential love and generosity I’ve experienced since I became a believer seem even more of a miracle. I will never take God for granted.

The mother I didn’t have gives me the privilege of accepting the love my Aunts and the Godly women God has sent me, have to offer.  With no idea of “what I should have had,” I can appreciate the different aspects of these ladies I do have in my life.

But isn’t that the real point of Thanksgiving? The settlers at Plymouth Rock were men and women whose faith was so compelling it carried them first to Holland seeking religious freedom and finally to an unknown wilderness. Though all survived the ocean voyage, the first year in the New Land saw half their number die.

Isn’t it extraordinary that even after losing husbands, wives, sons and daughters, the Pilgrims would turn their hearts to thanking God? Not when you consider they were just being true to the scripture that reminds believers; “Be joyful always; pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.”

I’m grateful for the marriage I didn’t have 14 years ago. I look at the people who have and are experiencing divorce and am so grateful to be single.  If that prayer had been answered, I would either be in their shoes or I would be in a very unhappy/unstable marriage determined to stay because I had made that commitment.

But now I couldn’t imagine having lived without any of the parts of my life – even those that seemed unbearable as I was living through them. In fact, I’ve embraced every part – the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. For every part, I give thanks

The point is this: It’s not the adversities in our lives that determine who we are – it’s our response to them. When bad things happen, we can choose to be bitter or better. Martin Luther puts it this way: “For whoever believes, everything is beneficial and nothing is harmful. For those who do not believe, everything is harmful and nothing beneficial.”

I agree, but only because today I can see that who I am is not defined as much by what I have, but by the faith that defined my response to what I didn’t have – and the miracle that an ordinary person like me could understand the extraordinary: Pilgrims giving thanks for it all, after all.

Posted in my walk | No Comments »

December 2 2007 by Eddie.

this article struck a chord:http://www.crosswalk.com/11536808/

I can vividly recall numerous conversations with people wanting to distance themselves from the version of Christianity they have in their heads because of experiences they’ve witnessed. For many, I believe its an excuse to be exactly the believers that are discussed here in this article.  For others, its a reason to ‘choose’ another religion. 

The conversation with my nephew comes to mind, as he stated that Buddhists are more devout than Christians.  For starters, the number of Christians in the US = ~79.8%  Buddhists in the US = .05%.  There are obviously a larger number of Christians to disappoint us.  The numbers just don’t allow for a fair 1-to-1 comparison of solid believers in either religion.  As well, hes not comparing the Billy Grahams to the Dalai Lamas.  Hes seeing the Joe Shmoes who don’t want to faithfully commit to their Christianity, but would rather stake their claim on that faith because people in their past did and why rock the boat?  As well, hes seeing the broken down, who are actively trying to pursue their relationship with Christ but are human in their quest so they make mistakes, and is comparing them to people who have been practicing their Buddhist faith and are able to define it.  You have to compare apples to apples in any scenario to get a fair outcome.

Choosing any faith requires a true commitment to its teaching.  Anytime we stake a claim and then only talk about that faith but never live it, we’re just giving it lip service.  We can put up all the crosses and statues we want but if it isn’t revealed in how we treat one another and present ourselves, we’re making a loud statement that that very faith that we claim isn’t as important as we’d like to pretend.  Just think about the people who are watching us and saying - and he/she says shes a Christian… - or even he/she says shes a Buddhist…  what is that saying for our commitment to our faith?  better yet, is our witness going to make them want to have what we have or is it going to make them want to choose another path?

Posted in life | No Comments »

November 19 2007 by Eddie.

excerpt from: http://www.crosswalk.com/11558968/page1/

Even when we as Christians get ourselves into the most terrifying of situations, God provides a way out. He posts exit doors with giant black markered-signs, showing us the way to freedom, to light, to truth. The path to them might not seem easy… but that escape is there if you choose to take it. 

What is your stand today? Are you…wondering how to react? Are you uncomfortable in the chaos, or desensitized and unafraid of the danger, invisible as it may be to everyone else? Or are you standing on the other side of the exit doors, relieved and grateful that God showed you the way out of destruction?

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12: 2)

I love this article.  I’ve discovered that I’m uncomfortable in the chaos that many others consider their lives.  I see danger for me in what many consider a “norm.”  I’m happy to participate in my relationships on a number of levels, but I like the constancy of my own home.  I like the stability of working towards what I want. 

Its true, what is safe for some isn’t safe for others in their walk with God.  I don’t want to stretch myself to the point that others think I should because of their comfort levels.  I need to walk where my Father is leading me.

I have been an adventurous soul all of my life.  I’m not easily frightened away from risk.  But these days, I take my lead from my Abba Father and my conscience that he can easily work.  I choose to take on my own risks which fulfill the desires that are in me rather than “wondering how to react” when others try to push me into their patterns for “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.(Psalm 139:14)”

I like how the author relates this to our spiritual walk.  And it is comforting to read that at least one other person out there believes as I do that its important to make choices that make no sense to anyone else.

I am standing on the other side of several exit doors and I am relieved and grateful that God showed me the way out of my own destruction.

Posted in my walk | No Comments »

November 10 2007 by Eddie.

No, no I don’t think I’m a stupid person.  I am however often left reaching for words to describe my thoughts and ideas.  I don’t have the same random-access-vocabulary as do some of my favorite peeps.  So I get very excited when I find some written form that has better declared the ideals I was trying to share.  Even then, I often butcher those ideas when trying to repeat them so have learned that its better to just refer my listeners to the literary works that I found.  Perhaps this quote is why I bungle it so…

Posted in life | No Comments »